Alpine replaces team principal with AI after running out of actual humans willing to join

May 6, 2025 - photo DNF.news

ENSTONE, UK — After the immediate resignation of Oliver Oakes, Alpine F1 has announced it will no longer appoint human team principals, opting instead to let an AI system run the team — citing "consistency, objectivity, and a lack of existential dread."

“We’ve officially exhausted the global supply of motorsport executives willing to lead this team,” said an Alpine spokesperson. “So we trained an AI model on decades of F1 strategy data, press conferences, and inspirational LinkedIn posts.”

Insiders report the AI may already be unstable, after it began referring to Pierre Gasly as “Fernando 2.0” and repeatedly asked why Oscar Piastri still won’t return Alpine’s texts.

When asked for comment, the AI issued a 12-slide PowerPoint titled “Culture of resilience: Why failure is actually winning,” then began writing poetry about tire degradation and the impermanence of grip.